He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
