thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
