my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
operation harelip BJ is a go
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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