mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
