96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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