And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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