I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fuck me I smell like cheese
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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