So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
