So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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