I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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