Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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