I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
