they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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