My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
