so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
