I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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