I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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