I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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