Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
