I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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