I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
