i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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