i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
