I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
