I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
