Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm passing your future prison.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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