apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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