i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
