I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
