when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
