Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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