I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
