Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
