so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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