i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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