carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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