I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
