Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
