i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
