My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
