My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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