non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
