He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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