I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
