I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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