I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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