I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
