i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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