i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
