Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
